By Charlie Hilley

According to targeted studies conducted by Tiburon Investigators, at least three percent of students at Ponte Vedra High School (PVHS) have suffered a near fatal injury participating in Rollerskate centric activities and recreation in the past six months. The children of St. Johns County are at risk, and most may be in immediate danger.

With such a treacherous rate of injury, the education of personal safety and self preservation skills being taught at PVHS is being brought into question. Admired Teacher Mr. Johnson, when asked the last time he had rollerskated, said, “I’m too old to even remember. Many moons ago, before I turned 18, so that many moons.” This lengthy level of moons shows clear disregard for keeping oneself knowledgeable on the most modern safety techniques on the rollerskating scene, which would naturally result in a lack of safe rollerskating teaching in the classroom.

Even scarier, a narrow survey of seniors showed that not a single individual had participated in rollerskating past the age of eight. While a fool might claim this makes them safe, those with in depth knowledge on the subject know that this puts them especially at risk of injury, or worse. With so many approaches to the art of skating, such as rollerskating, rollerblading, iceskating, figure skating, rollerskating, each presenting their own challenges and dangers, avoiding these activities will only prevent oneself from being prepared for when dangerous circumstances evidently arise.

According to a story from a source I made up, 1/5 New York City alley chases in some way involve equipping a conveniently placed pair of rollerskates to elude attackers. Those of the student body unversed in rollerskating would be unable to employ this strategy, and likely get stacked by the opps. 

The decline in rollerskating activity seems to have been from the lack of rollerskating rinks in the United States. Surveys show that by the end of the 1980’s there were approximately 5,000 active rinks for rollerskating recreation. This number has since dropped to just over 1,500, with the closest one to Ponte Vedra High School being located in San Jose. Certainly some unknown force, likely Mossad, is responsible for the erasing of these beloved landmarks, as the love for the sport has only grown over the years. This increase in rollerskating love-per-capita is due to the rising global population, because since there are more people on earth, there logically must be more people who love rollerskating.

Any who argue against employing an education based approach clearly have no desire to protect America’s youth from harm. If we do not reevaluate our educational approach, soon a massive rollerskating disaster could take place in our very school building. It is for this purpose, that for the good of the school, the Tiburon staff petitions to send Mr. Johnson and his subsequent classes off on a re-educational rollerskating field trip to prepare both our students and teachers for any future dangers.

Pictured: Charlie Hilley (11) watching a football game (@fenneysflics)